When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
