First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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