Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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