somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
