the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
