K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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