Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
did i walk over a car last night?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
