You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
