My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
