I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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