the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.