my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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