Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
two words: eviction party
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
