just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im about as happy as oj after his trial
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
