i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
