The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
