I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
