So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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