I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
