my soul wont recognize me after tonight
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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