My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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