i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
