My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
