You made me cry and you don't even care
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
