Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
