a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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