If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
