I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
