I just threw up on my dentist
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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