I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
