Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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