were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
