So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
