Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
