Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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