i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
