i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
no that's ok