im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I will pee on everything he values.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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