What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
