I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
