I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
