It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
