Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
