We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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