just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
