i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
