Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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