The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
