Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
