I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
