I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
