So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
