Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
