i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
