I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
