In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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