How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
