happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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