Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need to stop coming to work sober
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
