I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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