just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
