So drunk its hurt
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
